Who Is Controlling Your Life?

Louish Pixel via Flickr

I read this article the other day by Steve Pavlina through his newsletter, and it struck such a cord that I wanted to share it with you:

Control Your Life, Or Die

On average, each highly stressful year that you endure shaves about 6 years off your lifespan. People experiencing high stress have been measured to lose their telomeres much faster than normal. Telomeres are the caps at the end of your DNA strands that keep them from fraying. You slowly lose these telomeres as you age, but stress can speed up the process dramatically, effectively causing your body to wear out much sooner. In this case, stress is the feeling that you don't have much control over your life. That feeling of being out of control is damaging to your health at the cellular level.

One especially common form of stress is work-related abuse. Your boss gives you more work than you can reasonably handle. You make a minor mistake and get chewed out. You get blamed for something that isn't your fault. Subjecting yourself to this kind of environment will likely shave years off of your lifespan.

If you think in terms of the 6-to-1 ratio, hopefully it will sink in to consider just how much damage you may be doing to yourself to tolerate such an environment, damage that can be physically measured in your cells. Do you really want to trade 6 days of life for every one highly stressful day?

Detachment

The idea of detachment is not to get too attached to what happens in your life. Try to be at peace with whatever occurs. If your boss yells at you, shrug it off. No big deal. It's all good. Detachment can be helpful in some situations, but it's only one tool among many. For many situations this tool just doesn't work so well.

I think detachment works best for infrequent situations. If you have a one-time problem like getting a flat tire, go ahead and shrug it off. So you'll be late for an appointment. No big deal. Stuff happens. But if you're trying to practice detachment in situations where you have to keep reminding yourself to stay calm, such as if you're in a relationship that stresses you out, or if you have to deal with an ogre-like boss every week, then I don't think detachment will get you very far. Go ahead and try it if you want, but if you keep getting sucked into problems again and again, then maybe this isn't the best tool for the job.

Standards

In many situations a more effective strategy than detachment is to get clear about your personal standards and enforce them in your life. Stop giving dumb, angry, or stressed out people control over your time, your space, and your life.

Many times people end up in stressful situations because they've maintained low personal standards. They let other people talk down to them, treat them unfairly and disrespectfully, and take advantage of them. They're willing to trade their dignity and self-respect for a job, an income, a place to live, a family, etc. But in the end, these decisions so often lead to high stress and a feeling of not being in control. And that loss of self-control ages and kills people much faster.

In the long run, when you give away control over your life, you literally give away your life. It's slow suicide. If you find yourself in a stressful situation, then perhaps it's time to start taking some control back. Raise your standards about what's acceptable to you in terms of how you're treated, how you're willing to invest your precious time, and how you want your physical environment to be maintained. Communicate these standards to others, and if they don't cooperate, stop dealing with them.

Most stress comes from other people. Which people are you letting in? Raise your standards there, and it will make a huge difference in the level of stress you experience. Of course this will create some consequences. You may need to switch jobs. You may shift some of your relationships around. That's the price to be paid for a mistake you made much earlier. At some point you gave your power away, which was a dumb thing to do. Continuing to give your power away is even dumber; reclaiming your power now is the smart move. People may not want to give it back to you, but you don't need their permission.

It will take time to go through this readjustment process, maybe months and possibly years. But in the end, you'll have your self-respect back, and you'll have the opportunity to form positive new relationships that aren't based on unfair power exchanges. You can have a boss and coworkers that respect you and treat you with kindness and understanding. You can have family members that respect your boundaries. And you can have friends that relate to you with maturity and mutual respect instead of treating you like a doormat. But if you continue to maintain doormat-level standards, others will continue to treat you like one.

If you do nothing, the stress and lack of control you experience now will probably just get worse, and your body is already paying the price. You can choose to exercise your independent will and change course, or you can continue to commit slow suicide.

Stop Making Stupid Trades

One reason that people lack the energy for their grand creative pursuits is that they don't wield enough control over their lives. This lack of control is stressful. In dealing with this stress, such people lose even more time and energy to distractions and escapism. Testing has shown they their memories worsen as well. They become scatter-brained. It's no wonder that many of them can't even summon enough energy to figure out what they want to create, let alone take steps to create it.

Tolerating a stressful lifestyle isn't a path to fulfillment. The path to fulfillment is to your energy straight into your creative desires. To do this you must stop making stupid trades with your time and energy. Trading your time for a stressful job and trading a peaceful home life for a stressful relationship are stupid decisions. Initially it's more important to avoid stupid trades than it is to make smart ones. You probably won't have the capacity to know what a wise investment of time and energy looks like until you withdraw enough of your energy from those bad trades and regain some control.

Ask yourself which situations you'd willingly enter again if you had to make the choice today. If there are some trades you wouldn't make today, then you now see them as mistakes, so stop doing them.

Take Control

Once you've withdrawn your time and energy from commitments that were mistakes in retrospect, you can use that energy to exert more control over your life.

Assert control over how you spend your time. Get up when you want. Go to bed when you want. Exercise when you want. Work when you want. Pursue hobbies when you want. You decide how to spend every minute of every day. If that sounds like a fantasy, then you've allowed your personal standards to fall so far that they're actually lower than those of a pigeon. If a pigeon gets to decide how to spend its time each day, why should you deserve any less? Surely you can exert more control over your life than a pigeon can. You are smarter than a pigeon, aren't you? Take control of your living space. Decorate it however you like. Maintain the level of cleanliness that you desire. Get rid of whatever you no longer want. Create a living space that pleases you. Don't worry about what other people think of it. Make it fully your own, even if there's just one room you can control.

Take control of your relationships. Spend time with the people you want, when you want, and how you want. Reject invitations that don't inspire you. Issue invitations for the connections and experiences you'd like to have in your life. Let people know where your boundaries are, and if they cross those boundaries, drop them, relative or not. Is this going to make you an anti-social ogre? Nope. All I'm suggesting is that you raise your standards back up to those of a pigeon. You can still meet your needs without becoming a stressed-out, dominated doormat. With higher standards you'll not only be less stressed, but you'll be a lot happier too. People will treat you with more kindness, respect, and fairness if you stop tolerating the opposite. Money also has a tendency to flow more abundantly through the lives of people who respect themselves; giving your power away repels financial abundance and attracts financial slavery.

Stop making excuses for why it's okay to keep giving your power away. Stop acting helpless, needy, and desperate. Your life depends on this.

Reclaim your power, raise your standards, take control, and save your own life.

7 Easy & Brilliant Ways To Stay Healthy

By Digital Wallpaper on Flickr

Being healthy in mind, body and spirit is something I am very passionate about. Over the last few years I have found myself becoming healthier than I have ever been before. I have tried lots of different things in my quest to be healthy and thought it would be useful to share what has helped me, in order that they may help you too. 


1. Use A Neti Pot
I cannot begin to tell you how much of a help I have found the Neti Pot. I bought this Neti Pot and it has been brilliant. Google 'neti pot' to find out more for yourself, but for anyone with allergies, nasal problems or anything similar it could be very helpful. I have a tendency to get a lot of colds and particularly since I have started developed breathing difficulties at these times, I have wanted to find a way to minimize these. The neti pot keeps my airways clear and I honestly feel like I am breathing better than I can ever remember. For less than £5 or $, I can say this is one of the best investments I have made for my health. I am recommending it to everyone I know!


2. Exercise
Over the last year I have managed to do yoga most days. Last year, I mostly did 15 minutes each time and this year I have increased it to a 35 minute routine following a DVD. I really love yoga now; it helps me feel more relaxed, flexible and alive. It took me a while to get into it, but now I can feel that my body needs a good stretch if I miss a day.  


I have been to many yoga classes in the past which I have usually enjoyed, but I do find the cost of classes (in the UK) quite high, particularly if you want to do practice more than once a week, which is why I tried yoga DVD's. I have tried four now, and this one suits me best. Using a DVD means I can do yoga in the comfort of my own home, every day if I want to and at a time that suits me. The one off cost of £4.50 for the DVD I use has paid dividends. I am really excited about developing my practice and have seen big improvements in my flexibility recently. I also run at least once a week, which is a great way to de-stress and get your heart rate going!


Find exercise that suits you <em>and </em> your lifestyle and make small steps to getting fitter. Everyone is different and what lights one person up, won't work for the next. Try different things and pay attention to what feels good. Start small and do some exercise regularly. Even 15 minutes a day adds up over a week. You are better off starting small and creating a good habit, than going for burn and bust!


3. Eat Well
I eat well. Eating well doesn't need to be complicated. Eat more fruit and vegetables and drink more water. Let your intuition and senses guide you. We usually know deep down what is good for us but it is often that we don't want to do the work or what it will take to lose weight or be healthier. Read books and get knowledgeable for yourself, rather than rely on others, (particularly advertisers who want to sell more of their products).


There are many benefits to a vegetarian diet or cutting down on your meat consumption. Smoothies and juicing are other great ways to eat and drink well. I have a simple smoothie every day made up of a banana, frozen berries and apple juice, liquidized with a hand blender. Drinking smoothies is a very easy way to add more fruit to your diet.


4. Drink Water
Drinking water is such a good and simple thing we can do for our health. We are 2/3 water so it is vital that we stay hydrated. It is a good idea to minimize dehydrating food and drinks (i.e. caffeine, alcohol) and drink water and or/herbal teas. It is recommended that the average adult drink two litres per day, but this may need to be increased when you exercise. I drink herbal teas and water throughout the day in order to do this.


5. Meditate
Meditation often seems like something woo-woo but it isn't. Simply, I see meditation as unplugging from the world around you and giving yourself time to simply be. When I meditate I sit quietly and close my eyes. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation and sometimes I simply set my alarm for fifteen minutes and close my eyes, concentrating on my breath.


Find what works for you. Because I am doing more yoga these days, I use the time that I practice yoga as my meditation time. I focus on being in the moment and being mindful as I exercise. There are lots of different ways to meditate, it really is about being mindful about the present moment, whatever you are doing. If you are interested in starting to meditate, start by carving out five minutes at the beginning of each day, to sit in silence and disconnect from the world.


6. Be Present
Following on from the last point, I have found that the more I can be present, the better I feel. This has meant doing things like meditating and practicing yoga, but it has also meant getting more organized! I try to plan ahead and be prepared for the things I need to do each day. This means that I can actually enjoy each moment more, rather than worrying about things I have forgotten to do! That is my weakness, and it may not be yours. It's worth taking some time to sit down and have a look at your life and what stops you being present and enjoying each moment. There is often a pattern and once you know what it is you can find a solution!


7. Slow Down
I have slowed down a lot in the last five years and it has made a huge difference to my physical and emotional health. We get addicted to being busy and running around (often out of habit or feeling obligated). I used to feel guilty about saying "no" but I have learnt to embrace "no" and start doing what feels right to me. It saves me a lot of energy and means I do things I actually enjoy and want to do. This is something that is very good for your health! :)


These are the main things that have helped me. I'd love to hear your thoughts and what helps you to stay healthy?

6 Ways To Find Your Passion(s)

by George M. Groutas via Flickr

You’ve got to find what you love… Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking. Don’t settle. Steve Jobs (2005 Stanford Commencement Address)

We are all unique. Sometimes this can sound a little clichéd, but it’s true. Think about it for a moment, how many people are exactly like you? Sure some people are similar, but there truly is no-one exactly like you. It follows then that there is something (or many things) that you have to contribute to the world, that no-one else can do.


However sometimes our passion isn’t immediately obvious to us. We may need to hunt it down!


Here are some ways to help you find your passion:


1. Be Patient


Sometimes a life event is the catalyst to finding our passion. We’ve all heard of people who realised what they wanted to do after a major event in their lives or maybe in response to a trauma they experienced. For example, parents who have a child die of cancer that sets up a charity for child cancer patients. Susan Boyle achieved world wide fame over night at the age of 48 after singing on Britain’s Got Talent. It really is never too late.


2. Get Yourself Out Of The Way


Many of us put barriers up. We are too young to find what we want to do, or too old and now it’s too late to bother. It’s never too late or too early. It was only in the last few years that I started to think that I could make my passion (personal development) into a job. I just used to think that I hadn’t found my passion yet and personal development was my hobby. Have a look and see what the thing you love doing all the time is? Just because you might not be able to see how you could convert it into your passion, doesn’t mean you can’t.


3. Believe In Yourself


What did you think when you read this part of my opening sentence: “there is something (or many things) that you have to contribute to the world, that no-one else can do.”?  Examine your reactions to this statement. For many of us myself included, it is sometimes hard to see the difference we make to the world. Sometimes what’s even harder is imagining what we could do and our potential. Believing in ourselves and our abilities is vital for our self esteem and also to enable us to give birth to our own passions and bring them forth into the world.


4. Try New Things


If we don’t try new things, how will we find our passion? There are some people who are born with an innate talent or clear what they are here to do, but for a lot of us it isn’t as simple as that. We need to be proactive and try new things. I never thought I’d be able to (or even want to) create my own website, but through doing this for my coaching practice I have stumbled across a new passion: blogging. Don’t be afraid to try things that you wouldn’t normally try.


5. Remove Labels


Following on from my last point, be careful about labelling yourself. When we say things like ‘I’m an outdoors person’ or ‘I am no good with computers’, this eliminates certain possibilities. You may prefer to be outdoors and there is nothing wrong with that but sticking to that rigidly may stop you finding your passion of blogging about your garden (for example).


6. What Do You Enjoy?


On a simple level, pay attention to what you enjoy. I can read personal development type books all day long and I have always been like that. For me that isn’t work. Now I can see that is a strong pointer to my passion in life. What do you enjoy? Sometimes we can create hurdles in finding our passion by thinking we should automatically know how to make it into a job. Don’t worry about that to start with. Just notice what you enjoy.


These are some ways that I have found that have helped me find my passion and that continue to be helpful to me as my passions develop. I would love to hear yours.

5 Practical Ways To Feel Better Instantly

by C K Wong via Flickr
We all have times when we feel bad or just need a boost. It is useful to have practical ways to deal with these times. Below are some of the practical ways that I have learnt that help me feel better quickly:



1. Meditation


Meditation is one of the most powerful techniques that I have found to feel better quickly. I spend ten minutes each morning in meditation. Meditation doesn’t have to be complicated. You can sit in silence. Observing your breathe is another good way to start meditating. I use a guided meditation CD. Don't worry about 'doing it right'. Just get started by setting aside ten minutes to sit in silence.


Meditation can diminish the effect of external influences. When I am meditating it is a way for me to switch off and press pause on my worries and day to day concerns. I don’t try to stop my thoughts completely. I have found that observing them and letting them flow through my mind is much more effective than resisting them. I always feel refreshed and centred after meditating and able to be more at peace in my day to day life. I read somewhere that an hour of meditation can leave you as refreshed as eight hours of sleep!



2. Emotional Freedom Technique


Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is a fairly new discovery to me but has become something I now use regularly if I want to fell better or process a negative emotion. It is a form of counselling intervention that brings together various approaches including acupuncture, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Thought Field Therapy. When carrying out EFT the person will focus on a specific issue while tapping on hypothesized acupuncture points.


It worked for me the first time I tried it and I have started using this technique whenever I feel a negative emotion or when I feel bogged down by something. I recommend going through this introductory video if you are interested in learning more.


3. Exercise


Exercise is a sure fire way to feel better instantly. An even better way to feel better instantly is to exercise outdoors. Recent research shows that just five minutes of exercise outdoors can make a huge difference to our overall health.


My favourite ways to exercise currently are walking, running cycling and yoga. I haven't always exercised but I have started making exercise part of my day to day life in the last couple of years and it has made the world of difference to my emotional and physical well being. I run near our home which saves time and money compared to going to a gym. I practice yoga by following a DVD at home and walk and cycle to save using my car where possible. Removing barriers to exercising, making it part of my day to day life and ensuring I enjoy the exercise I do has helped me want to do it more. I now exercise every day and it never fails to make me feel good.



4. Connect With Inspiring People


Connecting with positive people is a great way to feel better instantly. If you feel like you don't connect with enough inspiring people, seek new friends out. You could join a new club or start a blog or maybe reach out to someone in your life that you find inspiring but haven't got to know as well as you'd like. The people we associate with on a regular basis make a big difference to our outlook in life.


5. Affirmations


Affirmations are a great way to feel better instantly. We are actually all using affirmations all the time anyway whenever we think. “I am not a people person” is an affirmation as is “I am a successful, happy person”. The trick is to be aware of our thoughts and replace negative affirmations with positive ones. I have found using affirmations very powerful, particularly when said into a mirror.To learn more about affirmations, I recommend reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. This is one of the first personal development books I ever read and in my opinion one of the best.


These are some of my favourite techniques to feel better instantly. I’d love to hear yours.