How To Let Go Of The Need For Approval

by Jomind via Flickr

"It's not your job to like me - its mine" Byron Katie

Anyone tackling the people pleasing habit and learning to let go of the need for approval knows that it isn't always easy. The easy hits we get from the approval from others that we are used to are gone and we need to find a new way of relating to the people in our lives and approving of ourselves.

The Most Important Person's Opinion: You

Too many of us think more about what others think than what we think. Of course, it is nice to be considerate and thoughtful of others but when that spills over into second guessing every decision in case others won't like it: something is out of balance. If we listen to our intuition, we usually know what needs to be done in any situation.

Re-Learning Behaviours

We all have learned behaviours that we are used to implementing to get us through life. Our behaviours usually elicit benefits (for example positive reinforcement and approval from others etc) but even negative behaviours have benefits (otherwise we wouldn’t engage in them – it might be eliciting sympathy or attention from others). Whatever the behaviour, when it comes from a need for approval, it is a sign that something is out of balance.

Be Aware

The first step is awareness. Don't beat yourself up when you notice your need for others approval. Just start noticing it and observing what makes you tick.

Transactional Analysis 

Transactional analysis is a very useful psychological tool which can help with decreasing the need for approval and being aware of where our thoughts and feelings arise from. It states that at any given time, a person experiences and manifests their personality through a mixture of behaviours, thoughts and feelings. According to TA, there are three ego-states that people consistently use:

Parent: a state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted, or how they interpreted their parent's actions.

Adult : a state of the ego which is most like a computer processing information and making predictions absent of major emotions that could affect its operation. Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA.

Child: a state in which people behave, feel and think similarly to how they did in childhood. For example, a person who receives a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor, and crying or pouting, as they used to when scolded as a child. 

When we are seeking approval we are in the child state. (It is worth thinking about the people you most seek approval from regularly too and think about which state you are both in when you interact. Seeking approval is indicative of the child state). Being aware of the dynamics in your relationships and trying to strengthen the Adult helps you to develop healthier relationships with yourself and others.

You Can't Control Others Opinions

Others will think what they think. We all have our opinions. Letting go of the need to control what other people think saves a lot of energy and sanity! It saves a lot of our energy and stress when we let go of worrying about impressing others or their opinions about us.

How do you let go of the need for approval? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in letting go of the need for approval or in working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

How To Be Yourself (& Not The Person Other People Expect You To Be)

by The Cosmpolitan Of Las Vegas via Flickr

Many of us have found ourselves adrift from our true selves at one point in our lives. We may wonder how we got here? Doing a job that doesn't really light us up or finding ourselves constantly trying to keep everyone in our lives happy.

In the sea of external demands and expectations and societal pressure, it is easy to drift further and further away from who you really are to the point that we forget who we really are. So how do you stay true to yourself, and crowd out the opinions of others who want you to be what they want you to be?

Start Small

If being the person you want to be feels like a million miles away, start small and try to make your day to day choices in line with your real wants and needs. I was staying in London with my husband recently and we both were toying with the idea of making an evening trip into town. However, we quickly realised that we thought we "'should" as we were in London, rather than really wanting to. We decided to have a thai meal locally and head back to the hotel to chill out and watch some good TV. A small choice that helped us both be who we wanted to in that situation, rather than doing what sounded good or we thought we should do.

Listen To Yourself

Listen to your own wants and needs. Enjoy being by yourself rather than in a crowd? Schedule time into the week for you. The whisperings you hear within are signposts helping you to be the person you really are. Do you have a feeling that you shouldn't accept an invitation because you feel strings are attached or pressure to conform? Listen to those feelings and act on them. They are telling you something.

Be Honest

It can be tough being your own person at times. Many people like controlling others or having them be as they always have. Being honest about who you are and what you want helps you to bring yourself into alignment with what feels right for you. Being honest about who you are doesn't have to necessarily mean telling everyone everything (or anything) about yourself but it is about accepting yourself and allowing yourself to be who you want to be in the world.

Embrace Your Uniqueness

What makes you different? At times, we might be tempted to try and fit in with what we think is expected or "cool" or hide our quirks. For example, I love spending time alone. Although I can enjoy socialising at times, mostly I prefer a good balance of alone time or time with my husband. I used to ignore that desire much of the time but I am getting better about having more of that time in my life. I feel more balanced for it and also more present with others when I am with them.

Say No

There are always people who will try and tell you how to live, what you should do with your life, what social events you should attend and even what you should eat. Stand your ground and do what feels right for you. You don't have to be aggressive. Be assertive and clear about your choices.

Don't Explain

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone else. Make the choices that feel right for you and don't be tempted to over explain to others. Some people will never get you or your choices. Follow what feels right and helps you thrive. 
I'd love to hear from you. How do you stay true to yourself?

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in working on being yourself or on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

How To Change Your Life In Ten Minutes

by kobiz7 via Flickr

What are your goals? What would you like to do more of in your life? What is stopping you?

The reason many of us don't do or start the things we want to is that they can seem overwhelming. The thought of getting fit, learning a new hobby or decluttering our home for example, can seem like a huge mountain to climb.

The key is in getting a balance between creating exciting goals and challenges and being realistic about how you are going to achieve them. Realism sometimes gets a bad name in personal development circles but without concrete ways to make your goals part of your daily life, you are less likely to succeed.

I shared in a recent post about my tendency to get very excited and motivated at the beginning of something new. I know that energy and enthusiasm is useful but my challenge is to learn how to sustain that over time so that it doesn't taper off when the initial excitement wears off. Here is how I have done that:

The Power Of Ten Minutes

Rather than thinking I have to do an hour of exercise, I now try to make sure I do at least ten minutes of exercise a day. I used to think that ten minutes wouldn't really be worth doing, but actually ten minutes a day adds up to an hour and ten minutes a week and I have found that I am more likely to be able to find the time to do it. I get out of bed and do yoga in my pyjamas sometimes, which brings me to my next point.

Remove Obstacles

Make it easy for yourself to succeed. If you really don't like getting up in the morning, don't plan your new hobby for that time. If you find it easier to declutter when everyone else is out, schedule that time in then. Look at your day and see when the most suitable time is for you. I removed my obstacles of spending money on a yoga class and the time of doing a class each week by buying a yoga DVD to do my ten minutes of yoga each day. It has made it much more likely that I will continue to do it and has become something I look forward to each day and that I miss if I don't do it.

Build Momentum

You don't have to stay at ten minutes if you want to do more, but embedding the ten minute habit to start with helps you to build momentum and your muscle around doing whatever it is you are doing.
Create A Habit

It is said that it takes thirty days to create a new habit. The idea is that you embed your ten minute habit into your life for thirty days and it will be easier to maintain. Once I got used to my ten minutes of yoga per day, it had just become something that I do each day now. I have lost weight, toned up and feel healthier than I have done in a long time.

What could you start doing for ten minutes a day? Ten minutes a day is seventy minutes a week, 280 minutes a month and 3360 minutes a year. Think of what you could achieve in that time!

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in working on changing an area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

How To Let Go Of A Friendship Gracefully

by Abe K via Flickr

A good friendship enriches your life and adds value to both parties. However sometimes, friendships don’t do that or change and what started out as a positive experience becomes a drain on your life. Either way, if this is the case it might be time to re-evaluate or let go of the friendship.

This post will help you to look honestly at your friendship, what is not working and how to deal with it. This can be an emotive subject, so I will talk you through the different scenarios and possible ways to deal with it.

Obviously all friendships involve give and take, however something isn’t working for you if you are thinking that it might be time to let go of a friendship. Firstly, take some time to identify what it is that isn’t working:

• Does spending time with your friend leave you feeling tired & drained?
• Does your friend continually take you for granted?
• Does your friend regularly hurt your feelings?
• Is the relationship one sided and on their terms only?
• Does your friend waste your time by continually being late or not turning up to meet you as planned?
• Does your friend continually bombard you with their problems every time you meet?
• Does your friend demand too much of your time or make you feel guilty for not spending enough time with them?
• Is your friend unhappy when things are going well for you?

Once you have decided what the issue(s) are you can decide how to approach the situation. How you approach the situation will depend on your friendship, how long you have known each other for and what outcome you would like. Sometimes an honest conversation can open up a new depth in the friendship and help you to understand each other better. However, sometimes the other person won’t get your point of view and it might be time to let the friendship go.

Be Honest
Start with being honest with your friend. Don’t start the conversation with a barrage of accusations, they may be unaware of their behaviour and this conversation could be a complete surprise to them. Share honestly with them how you feel. Give them the opportunity to respond. If they are open to the discussion and taking on board what you are saying you could decide to meet again to discuss this at another time when you have both had a chance to think about what has been discussed.

Don’t Overanalyze
Overanalyzing can be destructive and often leads people around in circles. Be aware of your own patterns but don’t let overanalyzing stop you from moving forward or being clear with your friend about what you need to say.

Limit Contact
Sometimes limiting contact is a good way for you both to take a step back from your friendship and let things sort themselves out but it really depends on your friendship. Taking a step back may be the wake up call that your friend needs to stop taking you for granted (for example) but don’t use this as a way to avoid dealing with things. If things don’t change taking time out can be a good way to get some perspective.

Be Direct
Try and deal directly with your friend. Don’t talk behind their back or try to get other friends involved, it usually backfires and can negatively affect other friendships.

Know When It Is Time To Let Go
If you have tried everything, it may be that you need to admit that it is time to let go and move on. You don’t have to hold on to a friendship out of guilt or obligation if it is making you miserable. Life is too short to be unhappy! If you hold on to friendships that are not working you leave no room for new, positive connections to come into your life.

Let Yourself Grieve
Losing a friendship, even if you have initiated it, can be difficult. Allow yourself time to grieve for the friendship.

Whatever you decide to do, go easy on yourself, ending a friendship is not easy and takes courage to do.

Don’t stay in a friendship that isn’t working because you are too scared to let go, you are not doing yourself or your friend any favours. Life is too short and you deserve to have friendships that inspire and resonate with you.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in working on your friendships and relationships or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

How To Care Less About What People Think Of You

by huitgalerie via Flickr

What other people think about you is none of your business. ~ Unknown

Would you like to worry less about what people think about you? What would life be like if you were truly living it on your terms, rather than other peoples?

Here are five ways that can help you to stop caring so much about other peoples opinions.

1. Be Selective with Your Connections

Spend time with people that enhance your life and encourage you to be yourself and live on your terms. Be that for other people too.

Avoid people that need you to act a certain way or fulfil their (said or unsaid)obligations in order for them to be happy or validated.

I have noticed that I worry about what someone thinks of me when I don't feel comfortable with them or feel that they don't "get" me. I minimize contact with people that I feel like this with which frees them up to find their people and me to find mine.

Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it. ~ Unknown

2. Spend Time Alone

Spend time alone and get to know yourself. It is the best way to get in touch with how you feel about anything. Any answers we need can be found within ourselves, if we only take the time to look. Spending time alone helps you tune out other peoples opinion's about you and your life and listen to the person that knows you best: you.

3. Learn from People Who Don't Worry what Other People Think!

Seek out people who don't worry about others opinions. If you know them, you could ask them how they do it. You could let them know that you admire the way they seem to be able to tune out to what other people think and follow their heart.

There are lots of ways to connect with people. If you don't know anyone personally that you want to reach out to at the moment, how about connecting with inspirational people on Twitter for example? There's amazing communities of people crushing conventions and living on their own terms and sharing their stories on the web and all you need to do is join in! If you haven't got a blog already, you could even start one and share your own journey to living life on your terms!

4. Consciously Cultivate Your Intention

Commit to living on your terms and support yourself by finding ways to tune into your own wisdom. Yoga and meditation are two ways that I find helpful in tuning into my own wisdom and letting go of external noise. There are lots of different ways and some will suit you better than others. Some other activities that might be helpful are spending time in nature, walking, writing, doing Morning Pages. Explore and find what feels good for you.

5. Trust Yourself

Learning to trust ourselves is so important. I don't think society is set up to support people with this but really no-one can teach something that they don't know how to do themselves. Trusting ourselves and listening to our intuition isn't predictable and who knows where our hearts will lead us when we really listen to it but that's the fun of the game of life when we really play! Tune out to what other people think and tune into what you think.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in caring less about what others think or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser

by white ribbons via Flickr

Are you a People-Pleaser? Are you someone who always puts other peoples’ feelings above your own or someone who makes the pursuit of other peoples happiness your main aim in life?

You become a People-Pleaser when the balance tips and the boundaries between your own happiness and other peoples become blurred.

Helping others is great when done genuinely. People-Pleasing is different from a genuine interest in other people. At the heart of this issue is the fact when you are in people-pleasing mode, you have lost sight of what makes you truly happy, let alone anyone else.

Here are some lessons I have learnt that have helped me:

1. Be Authentic

Authenticity is the nemesis of People-Pleasing. People-Pleasing is all about getting others to behave in a certain way to make you feel better. Being authentic is being real. There is no agenda; there is just you. It isn’t hard to start noticing the difference between authenticity and People-Pleasing, Authenticity feels real and honest. You have no agenda and are transparent. People-Pleasing on the other hand feels insecure, fragile, phony and desperate. Start identifying your feelings and which mode you are in. Start choosing authenticity.

2. Listen to Your Feelings

Your feelings are a communication. They are there to tell you something. Start listening. One trap I have fallen into in the past is listening to your feelings and then justifying them away. For example, if I feel disappointed with someone else and notice that feeling, I then go on to justify the other person’s behaviour i.e. “they are going through a hard time”. It is useful to be able to put yourself in other people’s shoes and understand what is going in for them, but it is important to learn to take the time to understand what is going on for you too. You don’t have to solve the problem straight away or get rid of the feeling. Learn to really listen to your feelings without judgement.

3. Realise People-Pleasing is Not “Nice”

One of the things that made a real difference to me is realising that People-Pleasing is pretty sleazy. It robs you of your self esteem and doesn’t leave the people you are trying to please with a good experience of you. People-Pleasing is one of those behaviours that sounds “nice” but which is actually the opposite. People-Pleasing isn’t really about others and making a difference, it is all about you. For example you might say “I haven’t heard from you for a while, I have been worried about you” when what is really going on is “I am not really worried about you, I just want to make sure you still like me”. We don’t say these things, but other people pick up on them anyway.

4. Let Go of Control

People-Pleasing is controlling. To make yourself feel better you need others to be ‘pleased’ or ‘happy’ with you. Imagine what pressure that is for the other person! Take a moment to remind yourself of a time that someone has been a People-Pleaser with you and how this experience made you feel.
I have noticed that when I am in People-Pleasing mode I take other peoples moods personally. I see someone is upset and I worry that I have upset them. I search my mind for ways that I may have upset them and want to apologise or at least find a way to make them happy again, even if it is nothing to do with me! Again when I am like this, it’s all about me. trying to make others feel good so I can feel good again! Realising that other people have the right to be happy or unhappy has been a huge realisation for me. That might sound kind of obvious, but when I am in People-Pleasing mode, someone else being unhappy isn’t ok. It makes me feel bad and I want that feeling to go away as soon as possible!

Learn to accept and allow others just as they are.

5. Learn to Be OK with Upsetting People

“You can’t keep all the people happy all the time”

I am not advocating being a jerk here, but it is a fact of life is that you can’t make everyone happy all the time. What you can do is be authentic and do what you feel is right. We all upset others at times. It is inevitable. Sometimes people are jealous; sometimes they don’t like other people being happy or successful and sometimes they may be upset with you and they just don’t know why! 

You cannot be responsible for other people’s happiness but you sure as hell are responsible for your own. 

Start being confident about your decisions and what you want to do.

(Note: This isn't an excuse not to apologise if you are in the wrong. Learn to listen to your intuition and be honest. Ask yourself: "Is there something I need to take responsibility for here?")

6. Please Yourself

Learning to please yourself is one of the most important things you can do. Looking for outside validation stifles your inner voice and makes you small.

You are not small. Whenever you feel small you don’t feel good. That is because it is not true. You are huge. You are here to shine.

Start learning about you. What makes you happy? What lights your heart up with joy? Some people are so used to thinking about what makes other people happy, that this really is an alien concept. If this is the case, start finding out today. When someone asks you what you fancy for lunch don’t say the usual “I don’t mind” or “Whatever you fancy”, take a moment to think about what you would like to eat and let the other person know. Step by step you start getting clear what makes you happy.

People-Pleasing robs you of your natural expression and joy in life. As I shared, these are some of the ways I deal with this tendency in myself. Are you a recovering People-Pleaser? I would love to hear about your experiences.

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?
If you enjoyed this article and are interested in learning how to stop people pleasing or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

33 Ways To Simplify your Life

by dawnzy58 via Flickr

33 Ways I have found that can help to simplify life:

1. Spend less money
2. Create a food shopping list each week
3. Cut your gym membership and exercise outside
4. Be picky about what you read
5. Eat more vegetarian food
6. Say "No" more
7. Stop worrying about what other people think
8. Write more
9. Declutter regularly
10. Pass on what you don't need or use
11. Meditate
12. Spend time alone
13. Do work you love or start working out what that might be
14. Check your email once a day
15. Associate with positive people
16. Take a digital sabattical
17. Stop doing unnecessary tasks
18. Be grateful
19. Take action
20. Be honest with yourself and others
21. Make the most of every day
22. Eliminate the unnecessary
23. Be patient
24. Stop listening to others opinions and listen to your own
25. Spend more time in nature
26. Spend more time "being" and less time doing
27. Cultivate a meaningful & intimate relationship with your inner self
28. Be willing to be true to yourself
29. Walk more
30. Embrace your inner hermit
31. Be positive
32. Ditch people that try and pull you down
33. Breathe

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in simplifying your life or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

A Relaxed (And Effective) Way to Approach New Year’s Resolutions

by RHiNO NEAL via Flickr


I hope you’ve had a wonderful time over the holidays. It is that time of year when many people’s minds turn to the incoming year and what they would like to become or achieve over the next twelve months.
Like many people, I often make New Year’s Resolutions at this time of year, sometimes written down and sometimes in a more relaxed manner. However more and more I find myself moving away from creating goals in a formal sense (for myself and with coaching clients and finding other ways to move towards the things I want in life.


Little & Often
I am a big convert to the idea of doing something little and often to move in the direction you want to go which is a bit of a change for me. A few years ago I decided to start running again. I got ready and put my trainers on, before announcing to my husband that I was going to run the five mile road around the two villages near our house. He gently suggested that I might want to do a shorter run as I hadn’t run for years. Sure enough, five minutes down the road I was completely out of puff. Luckily I didn’t write it off as a failure as I realised that my husband was right, I just hadn’t paced myself. Now I run a few miles most weeks and got here from just running for five minutes until I could do a little more, building it up incrementally. I tried to focus on enjoying running and not putting pressure on myself and it made a big difference.


What could you do little and often?


Keep It Simple
Keeping things simple dramatically reduces your chance of things going the way you want them to. It can be tempting to reel off a huge list of things you want to achieve in the New Year but you will be less likely to achieve everything (unless you have a very detailed plan in place!) as you are likely to feel overwhelmed! Pick a couple of things (the most important ones for you) and leave the rest for now. Taking one step at a time and allowing momentum to build helps you to build your confidence about changes you are making.


Choose two or three goals to work on.


Themes
Creating themes for your life can be a nice way to support yourself in moving in the direction you wish to go. You could create a theme for the year (financial abundance, relationships) or maybe a theme a month. Have a think about what is calling to you and the areas you want to work on or develop. You can do a review weekly or monthly to assess your  progress in the chosen areas.


What themes are calling to you?


Lean
I like the idea of “leaning into” areas of your life you want to change or questions that arise. If you want to lose weight for example; get curious and start gently leaning into what that means for you. We don’t have to approach everything linearly, and often an area of life will have many inter-links to other areas of your life.


What area of life or questions would you like to lean into?


Set Your Life Up To Support You
In my opinion, one of the most important things we can do to achieve the things we want to achieve is to set up our lives to support us. If you are trying to eat healthier, leave time each week to plan your shopping and meals and create lunches for example.  The easy part is making resolutions, but it is important to honestly assess your life and see what you can do to make them reality. taking care of the  details will make it more likely that you will succeed.


What do you need to do to support yourself moving forward?


Achievements
Many of us are very good at telling ourselves and others what we need to do or change, but not so good at acknowledging our achievements. Schedule some time in each week or month (a recurring reminder on your mobile or laptop can be helpful) to do this. Focus on what you have achieved and what you are grateful for. Cultivating an attitude of acknowledgement and gratitude makes it much easier to move towards the things you want to achieve.


What can you acknowledge yourself for? What are you grateful for? (Good questions to ask yourself regularly).

Over to you… How to do you approach New Year’s Resolutions? What works well for you?