Why it Pays to Focus on What You Do Want

Kent Coast, UK

Today's post is by my husband, Adrian Smith.

Most people make decisions in their lives in one of two ways. 

Some will focus on what they want in life, others concentrate more on what it is they don't want. 

Sounds like two sides of the same coin, right? 

Both ways will achieve an outcome, but, even though the achievements may happen, the effect on them emotionally and the effect in their outlook in life can be very different.

Focusing on what you don't want

Focusing on what you don't want is an effective way to avoid negative, unpleasant, or dangerous outcomes in your life. 

For example, if you're somewhere where there's likely to be an accident occurring, the thought of 'I don't want to get hurt' will initiate you getting yourself out of harms way. At times like these, decisions like this evoke the flight or fight response in you, which, as nature intended, puts your body in a state best able to deal with the danger. Adrenaline and cortisol are released, your heart rate increases, and certain functions of your body are closed down as blood is pumped to your muscles ready to take on, or run away from the danger. The problem is this behaviourial response can become the default way of making decisions to non dangerous circumstances, or feared outcomes that negative thoughts have created but are not real. This can manifest into worrying about problems that aren't there apart from in the mind, and for the fight or flight response to kick in inappropriately, leading to suffering from anxiety and panic.

Focusing on what you do want

Looking at what you do want rather than what you don't, focuses on positive outcomes, making for positive thoughts. This results in feeling more relaxed and optimistic about what's ahead, and instead of fearing the outcomes of what you don't want to happen, you look forward to the things you want. 

For example, not wanting to go to a party because of a fear that you will not know many people and will suffer the awkwardness and embarrassment of standing on your own can cause you to feel worried and anxious, and maybe stop you from going. But, if you focus on what you do want- an opportunity to meet new people, and have a few drinks and a dance you will focus on the positive and feel excited about going and having a fun time.

Practice focusing on what you do want

Catch yourself when you focus on what you don't want, and turn into a positive choice of what you would like to happen. Find how it can make you feel calmer, more relaxed, easier to cope with the uncertainties of everyday life, and looking to the un-rolling of your life in a positive way.

Your thoughts?

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in learning how to focus on what you do want in your own life and /or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

Photo with thanks, by Fool-On-The-Hill via Flickr

You Are Enough

Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting. - Abraham

You are enough.

You don’t need to do, have or be anything to be enough, you are enough… right now.

The issue for many of us is that it really doesn’t feel that way. We say or think that we’ll be enough when we...

•  Meet the man / woman of our dreams
• Get sober
• Get a “better” job or get a job
• Get a flat or house or a better flat or house
• Get the grades we want
•  Lose weight
• Put on weight
• Move out of our parents’ home
• Stop procrastinating
• Sort out our “issues”
• Get our “head out of the clouds into the real world”
• Get our shit together

But, the thing is, we’ll never have it all together and that really is ok. 

Life is a process and it will never be complete. 

Who we are isn’t contingent upon getting anywhere. But we forget that. We think we have to do more (oh, yes that’s a big one for so many of us, isn’t it?), we have to be better or different to what we are now.

So, we get stuck in the puzzle that we can never solve, but we keep trying to solve it in the same ways. Even if we manage to lose the weight or get the job, (or whatever), we notice we’re still not happy.

We can still do things, want things, take actions and follow our dreams. Being enough doesn't mean we don’t want anything, but it is a completely different context to live from.

Realising you are enough and being compassionate and loving to yourself, right where you are makes the world of difference.

Note: Using the affirmation "I approve of myself" as you go about your day is a great way to remind yourself that you are enough, whatever is happening.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life. 

Derek Walcott

Recommended

This interview with Serena Dyer (on growing up with Wayne Dyer as her Dad).

Photo by SweetOnVeg via Flickr, with thanks

20 Inspirational Quotes about Life

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.” ― Byron Katie

"Your life is supposed to feel good to you." ― Abraham Hicks

"What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you." ― Seneca

“Ride the horse in the direction that it's going”. ― Werner Erhard

"The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed." ― Eminem 

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson 

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ― Buddha 

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.” ― William W. Purkey

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." ― John Lennon 

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” ― Narcotics Anonymous

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ― Oscar Wilde

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”  ― J.K. Rowling

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” ― Dr. Seuss

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss

“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” - Henry David Thoreau 

“Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints; it is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is all about.” ― Osho

Photo by Doug8888, via Flickr ~ with thanks

25 Self-Love Quotes (to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend)

1. “You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
2. “In your own life it's important to know how spectacular you are.” ― Steve Maraboli
3. “Once you start recognizing the truth of your story, finish the story. It happened but you're still here, you're still capable, powerful, you're not your circumstance. It happened and you made it through. You're still fully equipped with every single tool you need to fulfill your purpose.” ― Steve Maraboli
4. “The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.” ― C. JoyBell C
5. “Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head.” ― Victoria Moran
6. “You are beautiful. Know this. Anyone who tells you otherwise is simply lying. You are beautiful.” ~ Steve Maraboli
7. “There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?” ― C. JoyBell C
8. “Letting ourselves be forgiven is one of the most difficult healings we will undertake. And one of the most fruitful. ” ― Stephen Levine
9. “Allow yourself to enjoy each happy moment in your life.” ― Steve Maraboli
10. “People who love themselves come across as very loving, generous and kind; they express their self-confidence through humility, forgiveness and inclusiveness.” ― Sanaya Roman
11. “So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.” ― Alan Wilson Watts
12. “You are not broken. You are not a problem to be solved. Solving your “problem”, whatever you perceive your problem or problems to be, is not the key to happiness.” ― Golda Poretsky
13. “You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!” ― Steve Maraboli
14. “When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ― Kim McMillen
15. “Maybe she had it wrong all this time and her empty heart could never be filled by his ingenious broken spirit. Maybe this yearning had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with her.” ― Coco J. Ginger
16. “Do you love yourself enough to be what you love yourself enough to want?” ― Steve Maraboli
17. “I come across too much material on "how to make a man want you", "how to make a man commit", "how to make a man finally pop the question", "how to make a man take you seriously", "how to get into a man's emotions." And I laugh. My dear fellow women, enough! Do not busy yourselves with such things! Instead, fall in love with yourself!”  ― C. JoyBell C
18. “So what", she thought.....body half thrown over the glass edge of her sun and glory filled balcony. "So what", a phrase she had habited to repeat steadily after every self-collapsing thought, concerning other humans and their egotistical opinions.”  ― Coco J. Ginger
19. “Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life and that person was you. It is not too late to become that person again.” ― Robert Brault
20. “Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.” ― Deborah Day
21. “Do something every day that is loving toward your body and gives you the opportunity to enjoy the sensations of your body.” ― Golda Poretsky
22. “Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort.” ― Deborah Day
23. “A deep love resides inside each of us. This love is independent of the desires, thoughts, and opinions, good or bad, which are readily offered to us. It is a love that is gentle and kind, accepting and nonjudgmental, playful and spontaneous, courageous and curious. It is always encouraging and always evolving. This love can be discovered only through turning off the noise around us, coming to ourselves in silence, meditation, and prayer. If we listen carefully we will hear the murmurs of our inner voice tell yearnings of our truest selves. What is available to us is a profound understanding, appreciation, and full acceptance of self, all of the good and all of the bad. Only when we truly know that we are able to tap into this part of ourselves can we begin to love others fully. Love for others is the manifestation of love for self. We cannot love another more than we love ourselves. Life is a mirror. If you want to know what love for yourself looks like, look at your love for others. If you want to know what your love for others look like, look at your love for self. When you love yourself this way, you love God this way. This relationship is the divine love triangle; self, God, and others in any order.” ― Marlon Hartley Lindsay
24. “The goal is to learn to be nurturing with yourself so you can feel free.” ― Deborah Day
25. “Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” ― Brené Brown

Photo by SeeMidTN.com (aka Brent), via Flickr with thanks

Do You Over-Give? How To Regain Your Balance if You Give Too Much

What does it mean to be an over-giver? Over-giving is about when you consistently give more than you receive, causing an imbalance in your relationships with others and to yourself.

You might realise you are an over-giver, if:

• You find yourself always being the one helping others but never being helped when you need it
• You find yourself regularly over-apologising even when you know you’re not in the wrong
• You always making things better with people even when it's their place to do so
• You give others your time, money etc. but notice that it is never reciprocated
• You feel resentful and angry a lot of the time but can’t understand why
• You feel that you are a good person but don’t know why you never get what you want
• You don’t say anything when someone steps over your boundaries
• You make excuses for people and always put yourself in their shoes and never your own 
• People behave badly towards you but you give even more to try and make it better

Giving & receiving can be beautiful acts, but when we find ourselves continually over-giving, we create an imbalance. 

So, what is Over-Giving Hiding?

Over-giving is usually a sign of low self-esteem. On some level we are coming from a place of “if I keep giving to people, they will like me, approve of me, think I’m a good person etc.” We may think that we are only worth something when we are giving something to others, hence the nagging need to over-give. We get a false sense of self-esteem from the giving, though on some level we know it’s based on shaky ground. This is tied up with people-pleasing.

The problem with over-giving is that we are giving with an agenda; from a place of wanting something from the other person. We are putting our happiness and our self-esteem into someone else’s hands, and they usually know it (or grow to know it, in time) which causes further problems. We are not coming from a strong sense of self and are sense of self worth is directly linked to what other people think of us.

Over-givers might complain that they are under appreciated or that people don’t ever do things for them, but it is important to look at our part in the dynamic and how we could be contributing to it, albeit unconsciously with our behaviour. This is empowering because as we know, we cant change other people. We can only change ourselves.

The Problems with Over-Giving:

When we over-give to boost our sense of self, we are on shaky ground; like a tree with no roots, at the mercy of others. [tweet this]..   

Our Self Worth is based on What Others Think

Basing your worth and how you see yourself in the hands of others, is a recipe for disaster. Just think about your own mind and opinions of others and how much they change. Basing your self-worth in other people's hands is masochism and will never enable you to have peace of mind. You will always be trying to do more, please more etc etc, to maintain your sense of self. You are worth more than that.

Other People Don’t get a Chance to Give To Us

When we are always over-giving we don’t give the people in our life the chance to give to us. When you always jump to give, you don’t let things unfold naturally and you take away other people's chance to be the giver. It can be frustrating for others and thwart their intentions and ability to have an authentic relationship with you too.

We Attract People Who Don’t Have Your Best Interests at Heart

When we are over-givers, people can more easily take advantage and we are more likely to attract people who don't have our best interests at heart. The truth is, we make it easy for them too! We have an invisible sign saying "I am desperate to be liked and will go out of my to achieve that". 

We Train Other People to Expect Us To Always Give

When we are always over-giving, we train other people to think of us that way and to expect that of us. Then, when you need time for yourself or to ask for help or just are not in a position to give, it can be hard for others to understand. We need to train people to treat us the way we want to be treated (that means getting clear about boundaries and knowing when to say no).

You Know Your Not as “Nice” as You are Trying to Appear

Like people-pleasing, over-giving isn't authentic. When we over-give to control or to get something in return, on some level we know what we're doing and the other person knows what we are doing and we don't feel good about it. Our self respect  goes out the window.

Over-giving is a reflex

Usually we don't consciously set out to over-give. The imbalance gets created from a variety of sources. We might have found as a child that the way to get approval was to be the giver & the fixer. Many of us and especially women are taught that being the giver in relationships is the way to be in life. It becomes an automatic (rather than consciously chosen) response.

How To Regain Our Balance between Giving & Receiving

So, how do we get our balance if we are over-giving?

Being aware of this tendency in yourself is the first and most vital step. 

When I notice myself going into over-giving mode, I gently bring myself back and reign myself in. This of course doesn't mean to stop being helpful or giving, but just to notice when you are going beyond and why you are doing so. Notice your motivation and see when you are acting out of old patterns and tendencies. This will give you the power to make new choices.

Re-training others about what to expect from us is also important. When people are used to us over-giving, that is the dynamic that has been set up in the relationship. Assert your boundaries, learn to say no and gently re-balance the relationship.

Give to yourself. You are as deserving as anyone. Show yourself love and respect and listen to what you need. Notice when you don't feel good about giving and see what is really going on in the situation. Notice when your reserves are dry and when you need to step back and take care of yourself.

There is no easy solution but as I said above, just starting by being aware that you are over-giving is a powerful first step. We can't change anything without awareness.

What do you think?

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in learning how to stop over-giving in your own life and /or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.

Photo by CarbonNYC via Flickr, with thanks

The Importance Of Setting Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are vital for good mental and physical wellbeing.

When we are not clear with people in our lives about what works and doesn’t work for us, we will eventually end up feeling drained and resentful. I used to find setting boundaries very difficult. I wanted to be seen as a flexible, easy going person and I dreaded the idea of confrontation. I didn’t realise then that setting boundaries doesn’t have to mean confrontation. When you are clear with others about what works and doesn’t work for you, life works and other people know where they stand. These days I am much clearer about my boundaries and life is much better for it. 

Some questions to think about:

• Do people in your life offer unsolicited advice about your life and how you should be living it? 

• Do others volunteer your services or time, or presume you will do things without asking?

• Do others presume you will do what they want to do and try to make you feel guilty when you object?

• Do others take you for granted or put you down?

Stop People-Pleasing

Stop putting other people first all the time and start thinking about what you want. When you stop people pleasing and set boundaries, you will have more time and energy for yourself and in turn be in a position to be able to genuinely be there for others when you want to.

Note: You can also sign up for free updates and receive my free eBook "Beyond People-Pleasing).

Learning To Say No 

Learning to say no is one of the most vital tools in learning to set boundaries. Saying no often brings up issues from the past for us. For example, “Will people still like me if I say no?”; “Does it mean I am being selfish if I say no?”. However, being able to say no when you need to is vital for your mental (and physical) wellbeing. Notice your own reactions to saying no and what it brings up in you. If saying no is new to you, start small and work your way up to bigger issues. It does get easier with practice.

What Do You Want?

To take care of yourself you need to care less about what other people think of you and care more about what you think and want. Start tuning into what you think and want. Listen to your feelings. If your interactions with someone continually leaving you feeling drained or taken advantage of, it is time to make a change. Take your feelings and wants seriously.

Be Clear

Being clear with yourself and others is vital in setting healthy boundaries. Work out what works and doesn't work for you (this may change over time) and start letting others know. This can be hard to begin with if you are not used to doing it, but it does get easier especially when others start to relate to you differently, on your terms. Everyone has different wants and needs so don’t except others to be mind readers. Take responsibility for communicating your needs.

Drop The Guilt

You don’t need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. No-one can be everything for everyone. Remind yourself that you want to be authentic and live in a way that works for you. Don't apologize (or over-apologize) for doing what is right for you.

Beware of Repeat Offenders

There are some people who will keep trying to push your boundaries despite you being clear with them. You will need to reinforce your message. If you are continue to be clear with them and they continue pushing your boundaries, it may be time to let the relationship go.

Setting boundaries encourages self-respect and healthy relationships with others. Letting the people in your life take you for granted or continue with behaviours that you don’t want, does no-one any favours. Start getting clear with yourself and others and be the person that you know you can be. It's worth it, I promise! Your relationship with yourself and others, will end up better for it.

Fovea Centralis via Flickr with thanks

Are you feeling stuck in your life or your business?

If you enjoyed this and are also interested in setting boundaries in your own life or working on another area of your life or business, then book your free consultation with me here at my coaching page.